Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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