The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
