The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
