i just had sex bonerless
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
