When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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