fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
