Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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