Say something about gay babies.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
