Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
