Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I looked at my own cervix.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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