I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
