Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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