So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
