There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
