I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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