My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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