I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
