12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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