youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
