His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
