thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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