headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
