Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
