Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
