is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
