My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
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