I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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