i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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