My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
