you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
