someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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