Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
