he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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