i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
