i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
