He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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