I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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