You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
