6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
