she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
