tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
farters have to be the big spoon...
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
