She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
