i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
