i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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