Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
