Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
