My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
