How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
