you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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