I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
