It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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