I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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