That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
