Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize