she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
