I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
