You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
