"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
